The fear of solitude.

I went to the itchen after my mother had called for me. Mother has grown a lot more grey hair. Shes grown older without me by her side. Ive missed a lot... My sister is about to finish primary school, my father just had his birthday, and a lot of stuff has changed inside my house. A lot has changed since ive been awy all this time.
I nearly shed tears thinking about it. Ive lose a lot on the way to reach my goal. I hope my effort is worth it. I'd hate to lose even more. Cant things just stay the same? must everything change and come to an end?

Ive grown taller day by day. and my hair grew longer slowly covering my ears. time doesn't stop. i must get going. I know Ill miss my family more and more... friends as well. I'm at the brink of losing some of my close friends already. The irony of feeling lonely in a crowd of people.

Where will I be after this? Whats going to happen after this? Will I be stuck with Isolophobia? or will I open my eyes and open my mind to accept that these things happen.... Only God knows whats in store for me..

"The night goes on
As I’m fading away"

Learning from mistakes is better than doing the same ones, over and over again.

Homework Chemistry, Math, Mechanics, and Physics.. all the same. Do past year questions(PYQ)
I did my first paper 1 Chemistry PYQ and i got 21 over 40. that sucks. thats not good enough to get an A. then I did another 2 more sets of questions and I got 23 and 19 over 40. -not much change in marks I see...
My teacher told me to find the faults myself and If I need help about 'ununderstoodable' questions, then I can ask her about it.

After doing so, I found out about my mistakes, and I tend not to repeat it. Doing the next set shows that all the questions are just about the same. After my trials result come out, I hope I get more than 20/40. Hope something changed.

"Everytime I dive in my pool, Its hard to be humble,
When I do the breast-stroke through the underground tunnel"

Its back to the ridiculously cliche and annoying but often really true and complete quotes.

Sabar,
Work hard,
Think positive,
Belajar rajin-rajin,
Sikit-sikit lama-lama jadi bukit,
Bersatu kita teguh, bercerai kita roboh,
Biar putih tulang, jangan putih mata,
Buang yang keruh, ambil yang jernih,
Takut kerana salah, berani kerana benar,
Sepandai-pandai tupai melompat, akhirnya jatuh ke tanah jua,
Di mana ada kemahuan, disitu ada jalan.

These are almost complete summations of certain situations that we had experienced.
Them modern, complicated quotes can't beat this..


"Same old song,
Just a drop of water in an endless sea,
All we do,
Crumbles to the ground, though we refuse to see"

You cannot quit from your own story.

Everybody needs something to believe in.

"Light touched my hands in a dream of golden skans
From now on, you can forget all your future plans"

You know you can't help being in love with someone.

I may have found who I want, but she didn't found me. What to do when times like this happen? I just sat quietly and let go. I come back to my natural self. Later after a few months, or weeks, loneliness kicks in. Oh, how I wanted one of those... these are the times where not having love impacts me negatively.

Yesterday, I found a solution. My friend suggested I try calling some girls to chat with.
It helped. At least it settled my problem. Not to say that she was the one I like, but she indirectly had cured my loneliness. then I'm off to my old self, studying, being with friends, waiting until the right time comes, where god had my fate decided for me to meet that someone.

"Boy I think about it every night, and day,
I'm addicted wanna jump inside your love"

Rendah diri sikit.

Semua jenis orang boleh ajar kita benda yg elok.
Walaupun orang tu jahat/ orang yg kita benci.

"Please excuse me I don't mean to be rude"

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A big oppertunity, A heavy burden.

Every year, when the A-levels result was out, all the seniors and juniors are told to gather in the hall to experience the intense moment. As a junior, I imagine myself putting on my seniors shoe. I can feel his tension, and I think I felt his worry. I was him for the moment.

When it was announced that about 20 people didn't manage to score the minimum requirements, while 30 some did, the tension in the room rises. People are starting to get anxious. We were told from the very beginning that the German A-levels is a very tough programme. The juniors only hoped for the best.

To know that your family is waiting at home for a phone call from you makes you feel very responsible. If you succeeded, they would surely be happy. If not, wouldn't they have their hearts broken? doing something responsible like being a student puts a lot of burden on your shoulders. People around you have high hopes of you being able to succeed. Your parents and friends might already told their friends that you are going to fly to Germany. not knowing that it is't true for sure.

Being a student really makes you put your own hopes aside, and put others hopes in front. If I cant do it for myself, I need to do it for others. Its not about me now, its about them.

"Birds came flying from the underground,
If you could see it then you'd understand"

You might like it later.

I dont like korean dramas, I dont like korean food, I dont like korean language, and I dont like korean music.
4 years back, some of my female friends are really into this 'korean' entertainment. thats all they ever talked about with their friends. "Whats the new movie? Have you watched this show yet? Have you heard this song yet? Wow hes so cute.. blax3" Damn. I hated it. I hated it so much, I made fun of these people. (sorry)

2 years back, the guys are starting to get into the female korean pop (abbreviated as k-pop) group. "I like this one, I choose this, She's so beautiful, Play it again, I want to see them dance.. blax3" wtf? (sorry) they all looked the same to me. I cant differentiate any one of them.

This year my roomate which is a big korean fan showed his friends some k-pop videos. -As usual, I didnt care much. A few days later i got bored doing homework and went to his room. I asked what he was watcing. Its a show called Invincible Youth. So, I watched it with him.


-nampaknya Tuhan telah membuka pintu hati saya untuk menerima serba-serbi dunia entertainment korea ini.

After the first show, I got hooked.
a month passed, and now I had 20 korean albums already :O that was really unexpected.

"Ireoda michyeo naega
yeoriyeori chakhadeon Geureon naega
neottaemune dora naega
dokhan naro byeonhae naega"

Dont think too much yet still do nothing.

For most things, you have to question. questioning is good. you  can  learn a lot about the purpose that it was there. If it is a bad thing, you can stop yourself halfway from doing it. Either way, it benefits you.

I dont think you have to ponder about everything though, because sometimes, it is better for you to just do it. don't question about it, and don't think about it.

If it's a good thing and you know it. And if you need to get it done quick or on a deadline, don't stop and think about why you're doing it. because the devil may change your mind, and deviate you into doing other things.

After you have done it, then you can take time to understand about what you are doing, because you don't have the luxury of time on your side.

When I'm in my holidays, the assignments that i could've finished in 1 day in my college, it took me 1 week to finish when I'm at home. I can't do it all on time because I always think a lot, and whenever I think too much about my studyplan in my holidays, I always end up doing something else. Then, my assignments suffer.. none of them were finished. But if I don't think too much about my plan, I would've finished everything as planned.

"You have to set up.
Bring it on!
Forward! "

Do as I say, not as I do.

Iv had enough of this. First I thought u are just showing me the other side of the world, but you are actually showing me YOUR world. You told me to get to know about this, and not to try this.. Yet you are doing this right in front of me. I thought you could me my role model. But no. Looks like youre not gonna be anymore. Now, im taking in whats good that you have taught me, get to know about the bad stuff and not to follow it.

So, I will get to my own world now after this.. Leave you to yours until you realise your own advice that youve given me.

Thanks my brother. For the exposure you've given me. Thank you for the lesson. Ill find my own way.

 "I stood by you
I didn't have to
And if I knew
I'd go away"

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Reminder

What would you do? if you knew that you will die at the end of this year.
What would you spend your time doing this year?

























































































































***

Now, you know a little bit more about yourself. What kind of person you are...


"(come on and do it) Now,
(don't wait and) live it (today),
the prime time of your life"

Pack light, you are not a mule.

Studying stresses you sometimes. Even though if studying is something you're good at. Take a time off sometime and go out with your friends and experience nature at its best. This week, I have been with 15 of my friends out to Sungai Congkak, Broga Hill and Sungai Gabai to enjoy sometime with mother nature. Its a 2 day trip, so I didn't bring a lot of stuff with me. We had barbecue at Congkak at night, watched the sun rise in the morning at Broga, plus did some swimming and sliding at Gabai.

Eventhough its not some major event like going oversees or hosting a big party, you can feel the difference when going on a trip that you planned with your friends, compared to just following some trip that is already for you. You feel that you have achieved something great, that you're plan had gone well and everything was a success.

I first noticed the difference when I was going on a trip with my fellow school friends  and some teachers who joined us for a trip to Kota Kinabalu, Sabah. Although I was not the main people who organised the event, I felt attached to the emotion and the troubles that the people who managed the trip had. Because they are my friends, and did so much keeping the plan together like getting the sponsors, accomandations and everything, saving the trip from going down the drain.

Truthfully, most of the trips that I had before this with my family, I didn't enjoy myself that much because I took it for granted. I slept on the way going, and slept all the way back. I regret what I did, because I should have a lot more fun and a lot more memories to carry with me in my journey through life.
What I can do now is make every trip or time out with my friends and family, an enjoyable one. Making these trips a trip to remember.

"Somewhere beyond the sea,
She's there watching for me.
If I could fly like birds up high,
Then straight to her arms I'd go sailing"

Its the little things that makes you happy.

My friend had a problem balancing his studies and his love life, I helped him solve his troubles. My girlfriend ( a girl, a friend) had something done to her hair which I've noticed, I said it looks nice. My long lost friend added me on Facebook, I had a big smile :D.

It was quite a long time for me to find out that these little things like concern, praise, and contact can make someone really happy. These things doesn't need money, doesn't take a lot of time, and does not tire. Just need some effort. Even the thought of someone can make their day.

These little things, I need to use them in my everyday life. No matter how busy I get, as like Jay Sean have said, "we make time for our loved ones".

"Kiss me thru the phone, see you when I get home"

No one forced you to do it.

We plan our life. We want great things in life. Most people chose to further their studies. Get a job and being successful at it. We wanted to work in fields that we have most interest in, so we chose a relevant route in getting there.

I am lucky to have understanding parents who didnt force me to study in fields that they wanted me to be in. Instead, they let me choose my own path. When I was little, my mom wanted me to become a doctor. But when I grew up, she understands that I have other interests.

If you're bad at doing something that you like, I can imagine how bad you can be, doing something else...
But if you manage do it right, I can imagine how great you can be, doing it.

"I would like to point out that you are 5 miles ahead of the finish line... so, you can stop now =.="

"But if it's from you I don't mind hurting
This is my perfect nightmare"

New Years Resolution and All Other Resolutions

At every start of a new year, people around me mostly talk about  the reunion, the celebration and the new years resolution. They aim for improvement of themselves in the coming year. hoping to be a better person, and having a better life next year. While my new years resolution is usually on fire the most at the early weeks of the new year,  it slowly fades throughout the coming months and finally goes out before the calendar even hit July. so this year, its going to be different. I hope.

Watching a show on 8TV called 'The Buried Life' had taught me to rethink about my part and what I should do as an individual in this world. So I made a list of 100 Things to do in 2011. it contains  resolutions and achievements that I need to accomplish in the year 2011. I hope I will be able to finish it before the end of 2011.

I know if I didn't do this, I wont be able to improve myself as I had hoped for in 2010. Then, at the end of 2011, it will start all over again. And my 'new years resolution' would just be something imaginary that comes out from my mouth. just words, with no meaning.

An uncle of mine once told me, "Failing to plan, is planning to fail"

"Tick  tock, on the clock

But the party don't stop, no"

Reflections

We learn from our experience that we dont know ourselves 100%. People sometimes know us better than we know ourselves. They see part of us that we cannot see.. Our projection. While we see part of us that they cannot see.. Our image.

So to know about ourselves better, we ask others. "What do you think about me?" usually people wont tell us what they really feel, not 100%, not directly. there will be some sort of flattery and hidden truths that they hide to not make us feel bad.

Some people like myself can except the truth weather its good or bad, but if it was to be told by the appropriate ways by appropriate people. I can except to be told something bad or good about me by the people i am most close too. They also should tell me one-to-one without others knowing about our conversation. they should also not use high voice tones on me. To me, thats a good advice, and not the release of trapped emotion.

The time to say it is also an important aspect. Tell me when I am fully able to accept it or at least when I am not in a bad mood.

"Human, human, human, human,
Human, human, human, human,
Human, human, human, human,
Human, human, human after all"

Creativity

We lose our creativity with age. I think its because we are conforming ourselves with society. Remember when we were little, we play and enjoy life without needing to think about the troubles and problems of life.
Do what we want to do, be what we want to be. In the process of growing up, we need to reach 'maturity' where we were restricted in our actions, thoughts and behaviour.

Where the loss in creativity gives way to better things, we gain in respect, skills, a new way of thinking, and a whole new set of actions. We are able to use these abilities in shaping and contributing to the world. A balance of these two natures can make us an individual instead of a Robot or a Troublemaker.

"Something I can do without"